I have never once met a powerful (or more accurately, powerful-acting) man, aka a Big Swinging Dick, who actually had a big dick. I mean, I lived in New York City for a few years here and there, and managed to find myself in many a CFNM situation because men just can’t keep their clothes on around me. Senior partners in law firms, hedge fund managers, firehouse captains, you name it – every single one of them ranged from small to average in the dick department. But boy did they act like they were packing a damn python in their pants!

Big Swinging Dick? More like Big Swinging Disappointment!

In case you weren’t sure how I feel about small and average dicks, I go into it in detail on my recent podcast about penis size. To summarize, small happened once and never again, while average is conditional on the quality of other skill sets and still subject to a minimum. So when these overblown men yank down their boxer shorts to show me the goods like they have something to be proud of, it has never turned out well for them.

Let the SPH Fly!

The first time this happened to me, I was…polite. Honestly I was just so surprised that a man with an ego the size of the Empire State Building would be so willing to flaunt this spindly little thing that looked a lot like a finger. It was awkward, but I used the standard avoidance technique that nice girls employ in this situation and said I’d take a raincheck, I had an early start the next day…and then never return his calls.

But the second time one of these Big Swinging Dick types pulled out a substandard pecker from his pants, I wasn’t such a nice girl. I recall saying something along the lines of, “The only thing in this room that’s 3 inches and impressive is your AmEx Black card. Now put that squirmy, pale thing away, it’s insulting me by its mere presence.” I’m sure it’ll come as no surprise to any good kinkster reading this that he practically came on the spot when I said that.

Other SPH for the BSDs

As you might imagine, I have quite an arsenal of little dick shaming gems for aiming at the low-grade family jewels of BSDs that have the good taste to choose me as their humiliatrix. 

• I’m glad you went to the best Brazilian wax spa in the city to remove your pubes so I could see exactly how little you have to offer a woman.
• I didn’t put this much effort into looking great in my favorite LBD so you could do me with your LBD – Little Bitty Dickie.
• Sure, you can wine me, dine me, 69 me. But when it comes to fucking, I’ll be doing the mailroom guy with the mooseknuckle like Jon Hamm.
• It’s a good thing you have an executive suite with a bathroom. That way none of the guys on your staff will know your sad little secret.
• A dollar bill is 6 inches. Despite your fat cat salary, you don’t even have a dollar dick.