It happens the same time every year, and it started this weekend – right on time. It’s the annual attack of the holiday hornies!

With 6 full weeks of social, financial and family obligations, there’s going to be a whole lot of stress going around. We all know that the quickest, easiest, and most guilt-free way to relieve all kinds of stress and clear your mind is by masturbating. So as much as I enjoy putting the NO in November, I have been known to take pity on the direst cases before the month is over. I mean, I have callers who are doing the “No Nut November” challenge (I’m going to guess that’s not a TikTok thing!), and while I wholeheartedly cheer them on in the least wholesome way you can imagine, there’s a part of me that’s like…what a crappy time of year to give up orgasms.

What exactly are the Holiday Hornies?

I once met a cardiologist who told me that in her profession, there’s a phenomenon they call Holiday Heart Syndrome. Apparently a lot of people experience their first all-out panic attack in the last 6 weeks of the year. I laughed and replied, “I see the flip side of the same coin in my profession – I call it the Holiday Hornies, and my phone rings like crazy!”  She thought for a moment and replied, “You deal with men who have way better coping skills than my patients.”

Yup, a card-carrying heart specialist acknowledged that masturbation is a healthy way to handle holiday stress. I’ve often wondered if she now adds masturbation to her list of ways to head off a panic attack! In which case, perhaps I should start listing my occupation on my taxes as “Tele-health professional”. Heh.

What can you do about this seasonal condition?

First of all, don’t fight it! Go ahead and empty your balls before you deck the halls. If it’s the difference between snapping at co-workers, family and service workers, and maintaining your usual demeanor – then it’s a no brainer. Shut the door, unzip, and pull out the hand lotion you should always have on you in winter anyway. No one has to know that your travel-size tube of Jergens is not just for dry skin.

Of course, if you’re still reading this, there’s probably a little more to your self-pleasuring needs than just some slick cream. You need to talk about what dirty thoughts are running through your mind, or earn that satisfying release through submission and roleplaying. All the extra traveling, shopping, visitors and parties tend to suck your time for phone sex adventures, but there are always a few alternatives available to get what your needy dick demands.

• Script and arrange for a personalized erotic audio, so you have a mistress’s sexy voice in your ear while you stroke it.
• No privacy and can’t speak? There’s always sexytexting as a phone sex alternative. Some of us don’t mind calls where you’re silent. It’s always a good idea to ask in advance though!
• Train daily to ruin your orgasm. I love ruining a man, but most of you really need some practice with the timing for successful ruination.
• Pick up an assignment from our store to do whenever you can sneak a few minutes. I have one for a few hours of Free Use submission, which does require some advance set-up…and it’s my special-priced Black Friday offer this year, until November 30. Most of my assignments can be done secretly, even in front of others!
• Create a naughty Twitter/X account and be sure to follow me and my fellow mistresses. We love when you reply to our tweets!

And if you happen to be doing some holiday shopping online, you can always throw a little something – or big something! – from my Amazon wishlist into the mix. After all, spoiling me a little is a treat for you, not an obligation. That makes it better! And you can shop right there on your phone with everyone around. My list is pretty safe, no sex toys or fetishwear.