While social media goes on about pumpkin spice and sweater weather, and your news feed is full of election ‘news’, it can be a real struggle to get your kink on. Lucky for you, I’m FULL of inspiration for finding ways to indulge your naughty needs in all kinds of sexy secret ways. I challenge you to hit all five ideas on this list before October is in your rear view mirror!
1. Pumpkin Spice COCKtail with your Sexy Secret Sauce
If you know anything about me, you know that I love to get you kinksters to do a little cumeating for me! This one doesn’t even take a lot of ingredients. First, save the jizz from a few wanks in a little zip baggie by sticking it in the freezer and adding to it for a few days. Then, in a martini glass, pour 3oz chilled vanilla flavored vodka and 1-2oz of pumpkin spice coffee creamer. Add your cum cube. Swirl for 3 minutes. Bottoms up with your Pumpkin Spice Cum Cocktail! Also, bonus points if you do this on October 4th – because it’s National Vodka Day!
2. Put the PUMP in your Pumpkin!
This one is so fucking easy, you do not have a single viable excuse to not accomplish it. You simply buy a small to medium pumpkin, and carve a hole barely big enough to stick your dick in. Scoop out some of the seeds and flesh, a bit more than is really needed to accommodate your stiffy. Microwave some of the innards to a medium warmth and stuff it back inside. This will create a warm, wet and welcoming hole for you to pump. Now, go at it until you’re both satisfied! …. Now scoop all of your goo along with the rest of the pulp, and incorporate the little fuck hole into your jack o’lantern design. Only you and Jack will share this dirty little secret!
3. Caspar the Friendly Cock Ghost
Who doesn’t love a homemade costume? Yes, a cock costume! Take a white tissue and mark it with two eyes and an “O” mouth, like this emoji: 😮. Put on some porn, and stroke without lube until you are fully erect. Drape the tissue costume over your dick, with the O face facing you. Now you’re going to make Caspar dance! Hopefully the porn is hot enough to keep you moving between mostly hard and fully hard without the pleasure of your helpful hands, but if the visual stimulation is insufficient, you are free to play with your balls. You probably don’t give them enough attention anyway!
4. DICKtionary Day Shenanigans
October 17th is National Dictionary Day. Hopefully you are the proud owner of a nice, heavy Merriam-Webster. You are about to use it in a way not intended by the publisher. Heh. Clear a space on your desk, and put the dictionary and a hammer, flashlight, or similar within easy reach. Pants around your knees, stroke your cock until you’re close to cumming. Lay it on the desk and put the DICKtionary on top of it. Not too bad, right? Now take that heavy hammer or whatever and hit the big ol’ book. Oof, right? No? Then you need to do it HARDER until either your cock shrivels up and tries to hide, or it explodes. Hm, which camp are you in for that?
So if you were getting all gloomy over the lack of bare flesh on display, the longer nights, the weird flavor combos on the Starbucks menu… you definitely need all the sexy secret inspiration I can dish out! I’m around alllll month to keep it – and you! – coming.
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